|WRESTLING BITS AND BITES||WRITTEN: November 26, 2001|
Yeah, I didn't do a column again last week, so those who played the monthy PPV picking didn't find out where they ranked. For the record I am discounting the battle royal on the basis that Test was NOT announced for it until the show. I would have also thrown out the women's match for anyone who picked Stacy because I said she was in it when she wasn't however no one picked her and everyone knew about Jazz EXCEPT me so it's all good.
Also, this is the first time since I started this online that I DIDN'T finish with a losing record. I feel good!
Myself - 5-0
I blame the lack of players on the fact I didn't alert the regs, and the fact I didn't actually write my column until just before the show. Next month I'll try and have it up at a much more timely time.
Bill Gilman boosts his record to an unbelievable 12-1 as a picker, Aaron Brooks remains the leader at 19-5 despite not playing this month, and I improve to 12-17. Leaderboard is here.
Thoughts After Last Week
Ric Flair is BACK!
Flair's return boosted the ratings all the way up to a 4.8, which is a HUGE boost. Whether or not that sticks for this week as well doesn't really matter so long as they stay on the path they're headed. I like it.
Also, Foley was given a chance to say goodbye on TV. I am amazed and I'll happily sit back and give Vince McMahon credit for allowing one of his performers leave on that level. I only wish every performer had been given that chance - but it certainly gives me new hope that somewhere inside Vince does have a heart.
Oooh, I have a letter I think fits here. I've been saving it.
"I thought the whole Mick Foley "shoot" was a well-scripted work. It was a shoot? By the way, I think your last column is great. But about Paul Heyman's "shoot" last Thursday night on "Smackdown", he was basically telling Vince like it is. Vince has stolen companies from numerous people and stolen ideas from others while even threatening to sue Ted Turner for the same thing. The WWF throughtout its history has never really been the most original. Look at Demolition and the whole WWF Attitude, just ripped off from ECW (and maybe Japan). ECW from what I've seen reminded me of wrestling I used to watch as a kid, except for the foul language, the music, and the women. I don't understand all the Vince McMahon worship online. If somebody sues him or speaks out against him, like Bret Hart or Phil Mushnick, then they are condemned. They are telling the truth! The WWF are not victims of the media or anyone else. People just refuse to listen to the truth. I too am a wrestling fan and I am sick of VKM and family's ego and wanting to make a fool out of people for the sake of being #1, ratings, money, and sports entertainment. That list is endless: Bret Hart, Bob Backlund, Dusty Rhodes, Harley Race, Terry Taylor, etc. VKM doesn't care about old school wrestling. In fact, I doubt he even cares about wrestling. I wish that actual wrestling was on TV because the wrestlers are being limited by sports entertainment and politics. Sports entertainment is the reason why pro-wrestling is not being taken seriously, not Phil Mushnick, ESPN, or the PTC." - Gail Gerald
Quick pieces: The gravy bowl match sucked Angle vs. Rocky did not. Vince McMahon is the new RPVP. (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about go read CRZ's Nitro Recaps from around May - June 1999) Lawler hasn't missed a beat, and thank god for it. Everyone has turned in the course of one week and I'm completely baffled as to why. Maybe it's just me, but I feel for Kurt and YOU know you'd be reacting EXACTLY the same way if YOU were in his shoes. Vengeance already has me far more interested than Survivor Series EVER did.
Light That Pyro!!!
Earlier today Ric Flair was pacing in his locker room. Vince entered the room and they respect eachother. Ric didn't like being talked down to at Smackdown!, nor did he appreciate Austin getting beaten down. They agree to be friendly from here on out. Vince has something big for Slick Ric. We'll find out in the opening 20 minute promo next!
Tonight, Trish Stratus and Stacy Kiebler in a Bra and Panties Match. Also, Rocky takes on Kurt and Jericho.
They're live from Oklahoma. Oh lord. We're not gonna hear the end of THIS!
Kurt and Vince walk out. Kurt looks like a lovesick puppy. Have you ever seen a lovesick puppy? No? It's the darnedest thing Last week we had the first inductee in the Vince McMahon Asskiss Club. Vince enjoyed it. It feels good. Tonight we'll have ANOTHER. Before we find out who, here's Kurt. He's never kissed Vince's ass, no siree. He's always been a winner. He was the toughest kid on his block, and no one EVER set foot in the sandbox unless he said so. He was the toughest and most decorated boy scout in history. He was said to be special by his boy scout leader. In high school he was an all arounder, including homecoming king! So he's a two time king. And Lawler isn't gushing over his superior? In the Olympics he became the best in the world. Later he joined the WWF and won every title there is to win. (Lightheavyweight, Women's, Tag ) At Vengeance we'll crown an undisputed World Champ. (For the record, Kurt is my early favorite to walk out with the gold) He plans to walk out the first ever champ. How was Vince's Thanksgiving? So we've segued back to Vince. Vince shows footage from last Monday, and calls Kurt Angle "William Regal". Here's Smackdown! Austin got the stuffin' (good one King!) beaten out of him. Austin doesn't want anymore McMahon. Everything old is new again! Tonight Vince will drop his trousers and allow Austin to kiss his ass. If he knows what's good for him, that's what'll happen.
Kurt's promo ruled.
Regal mocks Austin kissing an ass. The best thing to do for the former Alliance guys is to stick together, just incase Austin attacks. Ric Flair arrives, and he's stylin' and profilin'! If they interfere tonight they're all suspended. Test gloats about his immunity, but Flair says all he has immunity from is from being fired. Regal wants a promise Austin won't interfere in their matches if they can't interfere. Flair can't promise that because rattlesnakes are hard to handle when mad. He lets loose a Whoooo right in Regal's face. Hah!
I was really hoping that red hot Stacy/Trish feud would pick back up after they had words (and tried not to giggle) on Excess, the best WWF show on Saturday night's between 10:00-midnight.
Watch your back Christian, you're out there with a group of cheating bastards. Lita CAN'T keep her nose out of these matches. So where's Matt? I may have missed an announcer telling me where he was while sorting out an ebay disagreement during the commercial break. Oh, nevermind, THERE he is. He's out to argue with Lita in front of the millions. Christian goes for an Unprettier which is countered and Jeff won't cover. He'd rather act like a retard. Christian rolls out to the floor and Matt tries to block Jeff from flying. Matt gets shoved into the ring post which knocks Jeff back into the ring and Christian scores the pinfall.
Matt Berates Jeff
Jeff is stupid. Amen Matt! You can guess who I'm siding with. Matt got involved because he cares about the team. Lita tries to stop the problems and gets told to shut up. Lita says all he cares about is himself. Shut up you self centred bitch!
Kaboom! The Dudley Boyz are in the house. Or at least D-Von is. He's facing RVD for the WWF Hardcore Title. Interesting fact: The ONLY guy to pin RVD during his 2 years with the ECW TV Title was D-Von Dudley. D-Von testifies late in the match when he had a great pinfall opportunity. RVD heads up for the Froggie Splash, but D-Von shoves the ref into the ropes and RVD falls. D-Von tries a superplex, but RVD escapes. Froggie Splash on the chair, goodnight.
The Alliance aren't happy about the results of that match. Regal has to go to the Loo, the WC, the washroom! Bubba isn't holding anything.
Edge Makes His Sacrifice
The Alliance all take a whiz. In comes the Show! Regal can't believe the size of the man's shlong. Someone comes into the bathroom apparently - but I see a bunch of signs. Regal jumps and PEES on the Big Show's leg!
It ain't wrestling, but no one does bathroom humor quite like the big guy!
Stacy shows off her legs. Stacy says when she's in her bra and panties she always comes out on top.
That's the segment.
The Big Show Is Pissed
Haha, I made a funny. During the break The Show went to see Ric Flair. The two joked about Hollywood Hogan. Or maybe they didn't.
It's time for that women's match all the 13 year olds are spanking about. Stacy attacks before the bell. Trish rolls Stacy up and the ref counts to two until he realizes it's a bra and panties match. Off comes Trish's shirt. Puppies chant erupts. Off comes Stacy's shirt. Trish goes for Stratusfaction but Trish gets crotched. Stacy uses evil tactics, such as standing on hair. Trish rolls her up and pulls off her skirt. And that's that. Now Trish goes for a pin anyway. Matches with no rules are kool.
The Rock is walking. He gets the top of the hour main event slot tonight.
Hey, This Program Contains Material That May Offend Me
It's Rocky. Oops, maybe he's not wrestling now. No first hour main event tonight. Rocky wants to know if it would make more sense to have Rocky vs. Austin in a title for title match than this tournament. Fans squeal. Rocky makes fun of Vince for awhile, including having a chipmunk nibble on his scrotum and having a deer shove its antlers up his ass. Rocky promises no matter what happens to him he'll .get interrupted by Chris Jericho. HOW is Chris Jericho a sellout? That's directed to the fan in the crowd with the sign - so if you're reading this, EXPLAIN! Jericho is looking quite bulked up. Wanna know what his weakness was as Y2J? He cared about what the people thought. *sigh* Can we PLEASE go the route of the heel without using "I don't care what these people think". That's so not Jericho. He's become larger than life! He's going to create a bigger name for himself at Vengeance. Rocky says nuh uh, if ya smell
James Duthie makes a note that Jericho's from Winnipeg, and Rocky used to be a reserve with the Stampeders, so it all ties into the Grey Cup. You don't know what the Grey Cup is? Elix Skipper used to beat up opponents with a Grey Cup ring and you never bothered to ASK?
Lugz Is Hardcore
Edge is never gonna stop. He's facing Test. AGAIN? Test is a hoss this week. Well golly, who does that leave as the stud? Test tries the feet on the ropes pin once again, but it doesn't work this time. Does Test EVER hit the pumphandle anymore? Edge does a half hearted spear on Tim White which leads to a DQ. Test freaks out and grabs a chair. Albert and Scotty Too Hotty run in (did I miss something?) and beat on Test. Ummm, yeah. Hooray for sportz entertainment!
Kurt and Vince chat. Which cheek will Vince have kissed? They talk about that for awhile. Because this time couldn't have been given to the last match along with a clean finish. There's a knock on the door. Regal wants out of his match with the Big Show. Vince whispers in Regal's ear. Kurt tells him not to kiss any ass.
HHH is in the Vengeance spots. They'd BETTER deliver!
Stone Cold Steve Austin Has A Locker Room
I heard Booker T talk about how the WWF is different than the WCW and the boys dress together. Why would he lie?
Let's go back to the bathroom - or in my case a bunch of signs.
This is a match with a couple of guys who squashed Tazz last week - so it should be relatively even right? I think we'll get a good idea which of these two is in for a main event push based on this match. I try not to read TOO much into this stuff, but these two have received a number of quick wins lately so it should be interesting. BOOKER T runs in! What the hell is up with that??? Security chases him like crazy though the arena. Regal nails Big Show with brass knucks, and this one's over in a hurry.
So Booker T is running in isn't this how the whole mess started last time?
Vince McMahon Is Pacing
Undertaker is getting all up in his area. Vince wants to know if Taker had a good Thanksgiving. Taker's pretty unresponsive. Vince says he was gonna knock the hell out of Taker with the chair if he hadn't let go of Kurt Angle. He has nothing but respect for the dead man. He's taken for granted he's going to be there. Vince reminds Taker he OWES him. Why? If Taker did what he did outside of the WWF, he's be in jail. Vince says him and Taker are a lot alike.
Lance Storm is in WWF New York. He is biding his time, waiting for a chance to come back and take his spot. Someday, he'll get it. We fade back and see he's really Jim Duggan!!! I knew it! Hoooooooooooo!
Lillian Garcia sings Livin' In America at the Thanksgiving Day parade.
Coming up next, the main event match. Meaning, unless it's a long ass match, we have SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT to end the night! YAAAAAAAAAAY!
Handicap Main Event
I haven't seen one of these in 3 days, so I'm shaking with anticipating of this not at all worn out gimmick match. I'm not really paying much attention to this one, sorry. Oops, hold the phone, here comes Ric to re-grab my attention. He's changing the handicap match into a tag-team match. Rocky's partner is Kane. Well, I suppose this is about as good a partner as any, since I can't think of Kane and Rocky having any serious issues in the past. I think they had words before Unforgiven 2000, but that about covers it. Kane beats on the midgets. Then the midgets beat on Kane. Then it was all even. Then Rocky got a hot tag. Then Kane hit a high spot. Then Rocky won with a DDT. Then Rocky showed poor sportsmanship by beating up Jericho some more. JR says something about a government mule.
Vince talks to his good friends, the Alliance. An ass kissing is next! Regal gives McMahon the chap stick.
There's a trail of empty beer throughout Austin's locker room. Look out, he's drunk!
No Chance Rings In My Ears Much Like A Frying Pan Would If It Were Bashed Over My Head
Vince promises Austin won't do anything all the fans in attendance wouldn't do themselves. The glass breaks, and Austin is alive. Has Austin's music been changed slightly, or am I hearing things? Austin continues drinking, which McMahon calls liquid courage. All Austin can say is What? Austin drinks while thinking about it. Austin says it's time to bury the hatchet. Vince drops his pants, and Austin calls him the ugliest stripper he's ever seen in his life. Vince gives Austin the chap stick. Austin puts it on. Austin wants to do this the right way, so Vince gives Austin some gum to get the beer smell out of his mouth. Now Vince has mouthwash. Austin spits it all over the ring. Austin goes down to his knees, and Vince drops his underwear. Christ Austin wants it to do one of those tricks it can do. Austin wants it made clear it's OVER if he kisses that ass. Vince says it is. Austin goes in and wants to know if Vince uses toilet paper. Vince doesn't have all night. As Austin goes in for the kill, we get to see SIGNS! Now it's back on, and Austin's whipping Vince. The Alliance runs in. Why the hell did we bleep that out? Kurt joins the fray. Everyone is beating on Austin through the crowd. Once again we go to the crowd. What the hell is going on in censorland tonight??? JR says that Austin low blowed Vince. I've seen low blows before on TSN! JR is laughing his ass off. So Vince calls JR out! YES!!!!!!! Kurt holds him in place while Vince berates him! JR has to kiss his ass! Vince drops his pants and The Undertaker is in the house!!! JR stands between Vince and the Taker. Now he's hiding in Taker's shadow. Wuss. Taker gives JR's hat back. Taker wants to know if they're gonna force JR to kiss Vince's ass? Taker has seen a lot of people come in 11 years. He lists off a lot of the forbidden names. He's seen the games they play, and the games Vince plays. When it was all said and done, all those guys kissed Vince's ass. The one who kissed his ass the most was Undertaker. 11 years he's kissed Vince's ass - and he's STILL putting up with his crap. So Taker wants to know if JR was gonna kiss Vince's ass. Hell no says JR. Does he want to? Hell no! Taker wants to know if that's because he's better than him? AND HE WAFFLES JR!!!! Whether you like it or not you are gonna kiss Vince's ass! Taker orders Vince to drop his pants! He adds "pucker up bitch" and shoves his face into CENSORS! Taker is still talking and that's all I'm getting. Vince puts on JR's hat, and by the time I come back Vince is hopping around the ring spanking his ass with JR's hat.
So why is Taker the bad guy for beating on JR?