|WRESTLING BITS AND BITES||WRITTEN: October 26, 2001|
Welcome to the first double edition of Wrestling Bits And Bites. Set aside 14 seconds of scrolling time as opposed to the usual 7 - we're in for a bit of a ride.
PPV SCORE SHEET
I continue to blow goats, matching my best month to date. Remember - the key to success is to IGNORE ME!
Bill Gilman - 8-0
We also had the fewest people playing this stupid game since I started it. Is that some sort of hint about this game, or my column? Perhaps neither, perhaps both. Bill Gilman becomes the top guy after a perfect month in his first go, Aaron Brooks brings his overall record to 19-5 as the top correct picks thus far, and I fall to 7-17. Leaderboard can be found here.
With that, let's get going!
IT'S RAW IS.... RAW!
3 men competed for the WWF World Title last night at No Mercy - and tried to cheat Steve Austin out of the title. In the end though a Stunner was enough to finish Rob Van Dam and Austin is still the champion. JR is shocked - but the game players above were not. EVERYONE had Austin.
Light the pyro, deafen some fans, this is the WWF! We're in for a hellacious night says JR! And to kick off this hellacious night, it's a Bunch Of McMahons. My lord, JR's right! This is bad!
Vince comes to the ring with Linda. Could someone tell me why? This is a man who drugged her up, put her in an institute, slept with a 20's woman, embarrassed HER in the middle of the ring, and get caught with his pants down with Torrie Wilson. Is Linda that WEAK of a woman? Any "storylines" respect I had for this woman is gone. For Christ sakes. Any respect I had for the writers has just fallen into the toilet and my hand is on the flusher. Oh he got therapy, that makes it all better. Vince and Linda make out to a pop? WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE IN THE CROWD?
To make matters worse, here's The Rest Of Them. ARGH! Stephanie looks particularly large tonight. The kids want their parents to go away. How disrespectful. But JR, I thought Vince was the devil and Shane defying his father was a wonderful .oh forget it. I give up. Screw this segment, I'm hitting the fast forward button. This is sickening and I don't care what they have to say anymore.
WE TOOK A COMMERCIAL BREAK
Alright, we're back. And it's a match with .oh lord no. Lita and Trish are taking on Ivory and Molly. WHY? Other than Ivory and Lita - are there issues here? Yes, I've been asking for random pairings and matches that don't require a storyline for weeks - but WHY women? Well, I'll give it a chance, but I'll tell you now I'm not particularly thrilled with how this show has started.
JR yaps about the WWF going up against the WCW at Survivor Series. I guess I missed something when I hit the fast forward button. Oh well, I'm sure Coach will let me know what I missed when Excess is on. Well, I'll give these girls credit - they're trying. This is the kind of stuff I wouldn't mind watching on a B show (like a WCW Saturday Night) because that's where they polish their skills and it's fun to watch people come along. I suppose without a Saturday Night, it'll do here. Molly is REALLY busting her ass to get a good match here. I hate the gimmick - but I certainly can't deny this fact she has talent. Anyone remember that feud she had with Brandi Alexander? Oh, you mean you DIDN'T watch Thunder religiously? A shame. Lita continues to pretend to know what she's doing. Twist of Fate, Litasault, goodnight Ivory. Okay, I kinda dug that match.
Vince and Linda are in the back. FAST FORWARD. I refuse to watch a McMahon segment tonight.
Jericho is coming somewhere.
MATT HARDY IS A PEEPING TOM
Matt comes looking for Lita and finds a naked Trish. Trish goes off to shower and Lita comes in. Lita too wants to shower, but instead Matt wants to shower with her. To each his own. Frankly I'd take Trish. The point of this segment? Well, hopefully it means Matt will be getting a push of some kind out of these bizarre segments and Jeff will be forced to carry himself without his brother.
Commissioner Foley disturbs Commissioner Regal. He brings a game of Connect Four and his dog. Foley makes a bunch of matches for titles.
Kurt Angle and Edge talk about the ladder match. Kurt never liked Christian. Out of NOWHERE Rhyno Gores Edge. NICE! Now THAT is the way to build a killer heel.
MOMENTS AGO RHYNO HIT EDGE FOR NO APPARENT REASON
Random acts of violence rule.
Mick Foley wants Rhyno to put the US Title on the line against Kurt Angle. US Title - Kurt Angle - USA - I smell a title change.
Tajiri and his walking breasts come to the ring. This is for the WCW World Cruiserweight Title. Hey, those breasts belong to Kidman, I hope he kicks the crap out of Tajiri for stealing them. Hey, Heyman brings it up! This match will hopefully go 20 minutes. Kidman hits a hurricanrana and comes up limping. Kidman is having a hard time getting offence in - I'm not sure if it's because Tajiri's being difficult or because his knee hurts. Kick to the head, we have a NEW WCW World Cruiserweight Champion. The match was well I think strange is the best way to put it. I was thrilled it was paced out and everything and the time was wonderful but I get the feeling something's up with one of these guys - my money being on Kidman.
BANG! IT'S HIM
DDP comes to the ring with a headset. He's grinning up a storm. Oh man, just looking at Page you KNOW how much he's loving this gimmick. That's an awesome jacket. Tonight, he's here to deliver a message that Kansas City can relate to - losing. How 'bout those Chiefs? JR: "They have been losing." Page says to everyone who lost last night at No Mercy losing isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. When you lose, you learn. You'll eat smarter, train harder, and improve the way you live your life. LIGHT THE PYRO! It's DDP's music complete with Kane! DDP: "It's KANE!" Kane coming out here was a good thing. Kane's a perfect example of Page's message. At No Mercy he lost. He's been on the losing end most of his life. (Well, except 1998.) As a child he was burned, and as a result he has a mangled face. He gets to wear a mask all the time. People LOVE masks. Halloween is coming up - how cool is that? The coolest thing is that no one sees him. If they ever saw him, women would vomit and kids would scream. Take a look out there ARRRRRRR! CHOKESLAM! Hahahahahahaha! I'm not sure why Kane went out there, but it doesn't matter, that was great!
TAKE A NATURAL WOMAN, ADD IMPLANTS, HAIR DYE, TATTOOS, AND YOU HAVE LITA!
It's time for the WCW United States Heavyweight Title matchup. Rhyno is one angry man. He and Kurt stand nose to nose. USA! Hey, who said that title means nothing? Kurt suplexes Rhyno all over the ring. Rhyno takes exception to getting his ass kicked, so he works on Kurt's neck and ribs. Rhyno sets Kurt in Shattered Dreams position and hits a Gore. USA! JR tells me this feud between the Alliance and the WWF comes to a head at Survivor Series. Thank god. Rhyno hits a neckbreaker and the fans boo. Rhyno used to Gore people on the streets of Detroit according to Heyman. I believe him. Kurt gets the Anglelock out of nowhere and Rhyno gets to the ropes. Rhyno is completely pulling Kurt apart and I'm gaining a TON of respect for this man. Angle finally gets an overhead belly to belly out of nowhere and takes the match back to himself. 3 German suplexes! Angle hits an Olympic Slam variation, but takes forever to cover and gets 2. Nicest moonsault in the biz misses! Rhyno signals for the Gore. GORE right through the middle ropes! Rhyno gets him in the ring, cover, 2! USA! Anglelock! Rhyno taps. Awww nutz. I was hoping Rhyno would take that one. We have a NEW WCW United States Heavyweight Champion. Awesome matches.
I JUST YAWNED AND PULLED A JAW MUSCLE
You have NO IDEA how much that hurts! OWWWWWWWWWWW!
Bradshaw is out to take on The Hurricane for the WWF European Title. Go Bradshaw, Clothesline this guy straight off my TV until he comes back as a boy band with Shannon Moore and Evan Karagias. Helms does his regular routine of trying to beat up a big guy and failing before Bradshaw hits a Clothesline From Hell and wins the European Title. But what about the APA? I suggest Ron Simmons starts chasing the WCW World Heavyweight Title to get back to his roots. What do you mean a Jericho / Simmons match wouldn't sell a PPV for you? Well it works for *me*.
Foley pounds on Regal's knob. He's happy Bradshaw won the European Title because the WWF is 3 for 3 in title matches tonight. Foley connects four and Regal says he's playing with himself. Foley laughs at that. I don't, but I'm a big grump.
ARE YOU READY TO CHEW ON SOME RED MEAT?
The Brothers Of Destruction are taking on Booker T and Test for the third time in a month or something. Whatever, the last match these guys had rocked. Last night, Test defeated Kane. Call me cynical, but I think he could have benefited more from that at No Mercy 1999 - hindsight naturally being 20/20 and all. But it's a big win nonetheless, Kane ranking 29th on my all time greatest WWF World Champs list. (Who's #30?) There is no #30. ;-)
Test picks up where he left off last night by beating the piss out of Kane. Taker plays face in peril, then Kane gets the hot tag and goes medieval on Test. Booker beats on Taker on the outside while Kane beats on Test on the inside. Kane hits a TOMBSTONE!!!!! That's it for Test! YES YES YES!
Big Show and RVD talk. Big Show tells him to go ahead. RVD says cool.
THANKS FOR JOINING US ONLINE FOR NO MERCY - EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN'T WORK
It's the hardcore title match. Rob Van Dam joins us first. And here comes The Big Show. GO SHOW!!! KICK HIS SCRAWNY ASS! Show no sells a bunch of offence then takes down RVD with plenty of power. This is perhaps the greatest match I've ever seen. Hey, 3 titles have changed tonight - ya think ? Down come the straps and Scott Hall's MEMEMEME thing. How cool is this guy? Ahhhhhh it's The Chokeslam! No, RVD avoids getting Chokeslammed and rather gets tossed over the top rope and to the floor instead. That sounds like a tradeoff to me. Show yells a whole lot. RVD manages to sneak in a kick which Show sells. Crap. Now he goes all spotty spotty on me, probably just to ruin my mood. RVD points to himself. Show goes back on control while stupid fans chant RVD. Show no sells a garbage can and then punches a chair into RVD's face. He gets a pop! Chair blocks the fire extinguisher from RVD, then RVD hits a Van Daminator. Five Star Frog Splash, but the Big Show kicks out at 1 then hits the Chokeslam and wins the title.
Okay, I made that last part up. RVD retains - the bastard. POLITICS!
McMahons eat my FAST FORWARD button.
LAST THURSDAY MAVEN BEAT MAX MINI
Now Maven gets a big pop. WHY? He's going to the farm system, and when he comes back he'll beat Tazz without Lady Luck. Then he gets choked out by Kevin Sullivan. Oops, sorry, that was Tazz.
Foley books Al Snow vs. Tazz for Smackdown!
Rocky says congrats to Jericho for winning The Big One. The Rock wants him to remember there will be a rematch. Rocky asked Jericho if he's still WWF. Jericho says for sure. I smell a heel turn later tonight. It would explain all the titles changing and the happy go lucky fans. Jericho gives Rocky the nameplate off the World Title belt. Rocky grins an evil grin. He gives Jericho a chair incase they ever have a rematch. Ouch!
The Dudleys come out. Now's a good time for an ad break.
DO YOU SMELL...?
..What The Rock is cooking? Can someone tell me what the hell an X-Box is? I haven't paid much attention to video games or anything since the SNES went out of style around 1994 or 95, so I'm clueless. Someone fill me in.
Jericho and D-Von start this match off. Jericho chops away on D-Von for awhile and hits a Missile Dropkick. Rocky comes in and the ladies squeal like a Hardy removed his shirt. Layeth The Smack Down gets 2. Bubba comes in and hits a sidewalk slam for 2. Rocky gets up - Bubba charges and takes a Samoan Drop for 2. Jericho comes in and they double team Bubba with a back bodydrop. Ross wants to know what WCW was thinking by not giving Jericho a title shot. WELL JR, since you brought it up! Chris Jericho was nowhere near World Title status at the time. Now you could argue neither was Jerry Flynn, HOWEVER jobbers getting title shots is one thing - protecting Jericho is another. A lot of people believe he was held down and I don't buy that for one second. He had an extended run as the Cruiserweight Champion, and a month or so with the TV Title before dropping it to Konnan in a moment that set CRZ off about as bad as I've ever seen him explode. HOWEVER that and Starrcade aside Jericho was given plenty of chances to get over and if he had stayed I FIRMLY believe he would have been the US Champion before the year was over. Oh yeah, the match. Well at this point Jericho appears to be being beaten on by the Dudleys which is silly since he's beaten them plenty of times in handicap matches and so has Rocky. Jericho gets the hot tag and Rocky hits a flying clothesline, then a spinebuster on D-Von. It's time for the People's Elbow - or at least it was until Bubba levels him. However Bubba is sent out of the ring and Rocky finishes the elbow. A cover gets 2 before Bubba's back in to break it up. Jericho with a bulldog on Bubba! Jericho gets taken out and the fans smell a 3D. However Jericho gets back in and clears Bubba, then Rocky hits the Rock Bottom on D-Von for the World Tag-Team Titles!
Rocky tosses a belt over to Jericho, then stares at the World Title. Rocky comes over and places it over Jericho's shoulder. He mouths something to Jericho and Chris is left alone to bask in the glory of having 2 titles. I am QUITE shocked Jericho didn't turn!
McMahons = FAST FORWARD.
On to Smackdown!.
I think I'll continue to apply the No McMahon rule because RAW didn't really piss me off at all when they weren't on camera. If I again like this show, expect it to continue. I'll hear it all on Excess anyway - once a week is more than enough.
ALL MCMAHON OPENING - WHO CARES
Alright, the pyro is off and Michael Cole is with Paul Heyman this week. Is Paul a permanent now?
Here comes the money I'll be back when they're gone.
Holy hell, I just chopped 21 minutes off of the show.
THE ALLIANCE IS STILL IN THE RING
They appear to be fighting - I'm guessing Shane and Steph are gone. Michael Cole tells me it's an Alliance Battle Royal. Heyman says the winner gets Y2J. Sounds good to me. Kidman and Hurricane are already gone? Man oh man, that didn't take long. Steven Richards is tossed followed by Tazz. If I'm booking this thing we're going Lance Storm all the way. Hugh Morrus hits a really hard moonsault from the top! Justin Credible says buhbye. Hugh Morrus goes courtesy a Big Boot from Test. Everyone be a clubberin'! Chavo with a Missile Dropkick - HEY Chavo's here tonight! RVD tries to send him out but Chavo hangs on. Oops, I spoke to soon, there he goes. Dreamer and Awesome go at it and Heyman reminds us of Awesome and Dreamer's history in ECW. Dreamer is Awesomebombed through a table that happens to be conveniently sitting ringside. RVD almost suffers the same fate but he slips away and RVD sends him over. Lance Storm goes via Raven. Cole: "Justin Credible is eliminated!" Pumphandle from Test to Kanyon. See ya Kanyon. Now that HE'S gone as well as Storm, who the hell am I supposed to cheer for? Booker T I guess. The Dudleys go together, then Raven follows right behind. RVD is tossed over by Booker T and a Big Boot finishes him, so Booker capitalizes on Test celebrating and shoves HIM over. Booker T wins!
Coming up next, Molly vs. Trish.
TEST IS NOT HAPPY
Luckily for Booker T, Test is a real sportzman who let it go.
Trish Stratus makes her way to the ring. Someone has a sign and he loves Trish and Torrie. I almost thought that was Rick Scaia for a moment until I remembered he prefers Ivory. Trish tells Molly to bring it on - and sends her through the ropes. Molly does stuff. She misses a Molly Go Round and Trish takes over. Molly tries to cheat to score the pinfall with her feet on the ropes. Trish hits her bulldog and gets the pin! Really good match and I'm growing quite impressed with these women.
COMMISSIONER FOLEY IS IN THE HOUSE
Foley yells at Paulie out of the window while playing Rocky. Christian can't believe that Angle said he had beady little eyes. Foley reminds him he also said he's the world's ugliest pretty boy. Regal gives Christian a US Title match. Christian's glad someone in there isn't a complete joke while looking at Foley. Foley leans over to Regal and says "I think he just insulted you." Cute.
Tazz thanks Nidia for costing him a match against Maven. He says she doesn't have what it takes to be in the big time. Al Snow steps in and tells him NEVER to screw with his kids again. Tazz is gonna enjoy busting him up. I'll give the WWF props where they deserve them - they're no longer treating Al Snow like a comedy figure. I still believe Foley dropping Al Snow jokes hurt him for a long time - but if they play off this Tough Enough thing well enough Al could very well get over as a legit force. Good job!
Rocky is pacing and .sorry, FAST FORWARD.
CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN! AT LAST YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!
This match should be really good. I didn't see their King Of The Ring match - so maybe I have wrong expectations. I dunno - I don't remember what the consensus was then. Christian gets caught coming off the top and is hit with a suplex. Nice! The Dudleys face the Hardys later for the WCW World Tag-Team Titles. I haven't seen *that* match before. Kurt starts bleeding from the mouth. Christian tries to use the ropes and Kurt kicks out. That's the SECOND TIME tonight they've done that. Do they HAVE to ruin that spot too? Kurt does a tilt-a-whirl that misses his knee and Christian goes flying. They go through a great series of reversals and Kurt gets on the Anglelock and retains the gold! That WAS a good match!
Booker T, Steve Austin, and Debra are in the locker room. Austin can't wait for Booker to face Y2J. Austin's watch says it's time for Booker to become the 6 time WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Booker T can dig that.
THE MATCH I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SEE FOR YEARS
Booker T and Chris Jericho used to have a great series of matches in the WCW years ago. I think we saw this once on WWF TV as well a few months ago and if I recall I liked it a lot. Jericho gets an early crossbody for a half count. Booker misses the Harlem Sidekick and crotches him - and Jericho Missile Dropkicks him to the floor. Booker takes over the offence and takes Jericho to school. The spinaroonie takes too much time though and Jericho comes back - leading to the Lionsault but Booker gets his legs up. Jericho rolls Booker T up and gets the pinfall. FAR TOO SHORT!
Can someone explain something to me? Why can Jericho beat Booker in 5 minutes on Smackdown CLEANLY with no help - yet if they did it on PPV it would take 12 - 20?
Foley celebrates this win. He goes off and plays Twister. Regal bloody hates Foley.
ECW JOBBERS COLLIDE!
That's not to say they were jobbers in ECW.
A reminder - Excess is on at 8:00. I'd better remember that. Don't be surprised if I don't.
Tazz suplexes Snow, Snow kicks Tazz. That's more or less the first minute. A moonsault attempt is blocked by knees. That's not the Snowplow - so what is it? Snow gets the win.
ON SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT THIS WEEK TEST TAKES ON EDGE
Jericho wishes Rocky good luck against RVD. Rocky congratulates Jericho one winning another The Big One. Rocky has a chance to win the Hardcore Title - so good luck. He like Y2J could become a double champ. Rocky will always do his part for the WWF. Jericho should know a thing or 2 about Hardcore Matches - he knows how to win matches with chairs. Isn't that right, champ? Another stiff blow!
MOMENTS AGO I WAS FAST FORWARDING - AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO
I will get my point across one way or another.
Those Punk Kids are defending the WCW World Tag-Team Titles against the Dudleys. Well, the Hardys have held those titles all of 3 weeks now I think - it's time for a change. Even though the Dudleys lost titles on Monday and it would make much more sense for the Hardys to have jobbed to Jericho and Rocky. Michael Cole brings up Oklahoma and Heyman says he HATES that place. This match is typical Dudleys vs. Hardys in that it's good - but I've seen it a hundred thousand times. Dudleys do win the titles. *sigh* How can I care so little about tag-team wrestling? Lita and Matt have issues because he stared at Stacy or something.
IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT
I hope to god I am able to get through this one without my remote because Rocky and RVD work quite well together.
Cole and Heyman hype the WWF vs. Alliance for Survivor Series. If done right (Wargames) it could be REALLY good. Rocky and RVD fight up the ramp. RVD does a standing handspring moonsault at the top of the ramp. Back in the ring RVD runs with a chair and hits an unassisted Van Daminator. Rocky gets a trashcan and slams RVD off the top and through it. Rock with a Sharpshooter and AWWWW SHIT! Fuck off Shane!
Congratulations jackass, you just ruined the show for me. WWF - take a hint. 11 times I had to reach for my remote. ELEVEN! The McMahons are out of control. I have NEVER been as annoyed with a TV show as I am right now. You can tell me if I hate it not to watch. But you want to know why I'm pissed? Because I DO CARE how the product looks. I WANT IT to get better. The wrestling is good - but I don't need that family around. They add very little at this point and are taking away from the wrestlers.
I'll be back Monday.