Sorry if I half ass Excess this week. I'm exhausted this week. Try to remember the fact that I was the guy who on no sleep and had a long day doing other stuff with a friend of mine from out of town STILL stayed up to recap this crappy show.

I didn't do RAW or Smackdown! recaps this week, so I have no cut and paste backup. 100% new content this week.

ALSO - if you Other Wrestling Sites That Are Not Lords Of Pain don't stop stealing my Excess recaps…I might have to ask you to stop stealing them again! At least have the decency to NOT CHOP UP MY REPORT INTO WHAT YOU WANT, and to LINK MY E-MAIL AND HOMEPAGE. Those are the sites that REALLY get to me.

Pop a tape into your own VCRs and do the grunt work yourself, you lazy bastards!

Tonight Chris Jericho is going to do what every single WWF Superstar has always wanted to do - he's gonna drive a stake through the heart of Hulkamania. But Triple H KNOWS something! Oooooh!

Hey, it's Michael Cole and Marc Loyd has hard nipples. (Gen pointed this out - not Chris. Honest!) Let's head right into the recaps…

On Smackdown!, Kurt Angle wants Val Venis or Lance Storm to model his new t-shirt. Val tells Kurt his shirt sucks and he does too. Lance agrees to wear the shirt - but wonders if the fans are gonna chant You Suck. No worries, this is Pittsburgh, Kurt's hometown! Pittsburgh sucks for wrestling crowd. Them and Long Island.

Kurt Angle gets a standing You Suck! Lance Storm shows off the new Kurt Angle t-shirt for the ungrateful fans. Edge interrupts the presentation to remind fans that a You Suck t-shirt is on sale. This somehow leads to a hair vs. hair match set for Judgement Day. I do have a couple issues with that:

1) If Kurt loses, he already has no hair. Big deal.
2) WHY didn't we do the hair vs. hair at Wrestlemania when shampoo was part of the feud.

That's all. I nitpick.

Michael Cole says with Edge taking Kurt to the brink of defeat at Backlash, this may be Edge's time to shine.

On Tough Enough 2, Big takes the kids to Africa! It was a fairy tale says one chick! (I missed who and don't care to rewind.) Big THREATENS the crew with a cut in South Africa. They train in a hot ring that Al believes you could cook an egg on. Big tricks the stupid kids by asking who wants to work out, and who wants to nap? Jake is the ONLY one who picks up on it and wants to work out. So they have to work out because the vote was in favor of napping. Hawk knows you can always cut a deal with Big, and offers to have his head shaved. Sure enough, he goes through with it. Later that day, Al Snow decides to REALLY push them, and he will cut whoever he wants to. Al gives Hawk a ton of crap about his wrestling.

HEY, want to be part of Tough Enough 3? Go find out online, now!

2 weeks ago Stacy Keibler comes on to Randy Orton. "Yummy!" When Vince returns, Stacy accuses Randy of hitting on her. Vince books a match between Orton and Bob Holly as punishment. Orton wins with an Oklahoma Roll.

So this week, we had a rematch. It sucked. Let's move on! Less Bob, more Randy.

STILL TO COME: Mark Henry makes lots of money for Faarooq - and D-Von wants a donation.

2 weeks ago, Tajiri and Kidman had a match on pay-per-view. 2 weeks ago, I didn't recap the PPV. I've been lazy! (E-mail me and whine, it helps me do it.)

Marc Loyd says Torrie MUST be embarrassed about her clothing. Err, did anyone ever think to ask her?

Tajiri and Kidman had a match on Smackdown! It was okay. Let's move on!

Not only is Tajiri embarrassing Torrie, but he's using her as a human shield. Well isn't that what a good woman is for?

Diamond Dallas Page is motivational speaking! New Haven, CT is the home of Yale. Hey, Page cleans up real nice doesn't he? I've never seen him in a suit before. Some guy with funny teeth says Page makes him want to figure out what interests him. Page takes off his jacket, and his sleeves are cut off. Some girl wants Page to sign her breasts…that or she was inspired, I can't remember which. Someone challenges Page to a thumb wrestling match - and wins! Yale's medical director says Page is really upbeat. Page is the man.

Faarooq offers Mark Henry some of his winnings, but Mark can't accept it since he's just so happy to be on Smackdown! Eventually he caves, and Faarooq's a tightwad only offering a $20. D-Von wants to clean up this money - and put it towards the United D-Von Building Fund. Mark Henry tells him to testify his ass out of here, or else. Real polite guys. At least my parents had the decency to answer the Jehovah's Witnesses nude…

Later that night, Faarooq and Mark Henry faced Christian and Test. It was pretty bad. Let's move on!

(What do you mean you're getting tired of that joke? No you're not!)

STILL TO COME: Chris Jericho faces Hulk Hogan - and wonders who invited Triple H.

Tributes for Chief Wahoo McDaniel and Lou Thesz are aired. I'm impressed - very classy.

The #1 contenders Hurricane and Rikishi got a tag-team title shot on Smackdown! It certainly was an opener alright. Let's move on!

No matter how many times Rikishi does that one move, it's still real gross. It's also lame Marc Loyd.

Y2J can thank The Undertaker for a shot at Hulk Hogan. But he was a tad concerned going into this match, so he went to McMahon…

Chris Jericho visits Vince, as the announcers predicted! The match is made a no DQ match, a no Undertaker interference match, and a no Triple H interference match all within the span of about 2 minutes.

So later that night, they had a match. And it certainly was a main event alright. Let's move on!

Have I run that one into the ground? Good, it's time for the RAW part of Excess…

Undertaker promises to beat Hulk Hogan down like the bitch he is!

Raven's pro Taker because Hogan's riding a wave while Taker's had a decade of destruction.

Bubba reminds Raven of Cartman, while Jazz is Kenny.

Bubba Ray promises to put Jazz through a table.

Bubba Ray fights Jazz in a Hardcore Title match. Steven Richards runs in, and Jazz helps him win the gold. The two run off together. Now isn't that sweet?

On Monday night, Undertaker came to the ring and promised to beat the hell out of Hogan. Go for it - I don't know about the other fans out there but I'm completely sick of Hogan. I've shyed away from news and wrestling message boards lately. It took less than two months, good job jackass. The Voodoo Child makes his way to the ring - and looks ready to pass gas. Taker is gonna beat him down like the bitch that he is. TELL HIM! Hogan fights Taker, and Taker backs down for today.

UP NEXT: Austin gets even, and doesn't hold grudges.

Here's a video package about Ric Flair's crappy refereeing ability. Austin's mad, the n.W.o. is mad - is anyone EVER happy? Also - next week, Flair/Austin/Bradshaw vs. The n.W.o.

Bradshaw cuts a promo against The Big Show and the n.W.o.

Not even the most sophisticated telescopes could find Planet Stasiak, because he's so far out. Thanks Raven!

Brock Lesnar vs. Planet Stasiak on RAW. Blink and you miss Lesnar destroying the Planet.

Thinking with the promo on, I saw The Scorpion King today. I guess I expected more after hearing good things about it. Don't buy the hype, it's okay but I'm sure there's far better out there.

Raven grades Hulk Hogan's movies - and gives it collectively a D-minus. OUCH! Well, Regal wasn't nice on Monday either, and it led to Hogan wanting a piece of him. Here's what happened.

The match NEVER HAPPENED. The Undertaker attacked right away. YOU may not want to see Regal vs. Hogan, but *I* wouldn't mind. You have no idea how angry that finish made me. Undertaker kills Hogan with the spike from the weightlifting belt, then beats him "LIKE A GOVERNMENT MULE!".

Judgement Day is 2 weeks away. You know, it may be the first PPV since King Of The Ring last year that I skip.

Lita had surgery this week, and everything went well.

On Sunday Night Heat, RVD will be in action against Justin Credible. Trish faces Molly Holly. Then on RAW, the big 6-man tag match. Catch it.

Again, I'm sorry for the half-assed report. I'll try to get you something far better next week.