I could have SWORN I did a report on this Excess already, but a quick check of my archives tells a different story. So with that - get ready to go back three weeks when the WWF was a very different place.

NO HUNTER! I'M PREGNANT!

He's The Coach, she's Terri. She's not hiding anything from Coach is she? "It takes more than a minute to make magic honey." They briefly talk about Vince McMahon, then Terri asks Coach what he thinks about the flower on her pants. "You lost it a long time ago." We're in for a REALLY long show methinks!

Clips are shown of the Vince McMahon/Ric Flair saga. Can't say I'm in the mood to go into detail about month old clips.

Terri's only concern isn't the New World Order, but what is she going to get for Valentine's Day? I'd go on about this being a wrestling show and thus we should talk about wrestling, but if they haven't listened for the past 6 months, they won't start listening now.

COMING UP: The Macho Man battles The Ultimate Warrior in a retirement match.

Terri's so sick of Edge vs. William Regal. Everytime Regal wrestles, she expects Edge to attack from the crowd. When Edge wrestles, she expects him to get attacked by the brass knucks. I think she's sucking up to the online crowd.

On Smackdown! there was a 6-man tag with RVD/Edge/Rikishi vs. The Dudley Boyz/William Regal. I don't even remember this. Regal attacks Edge with the kncuks after the match and stretches him.

COMING UP NEXT: Chris Jericho dominates the world of hockey! Hey, they filmed some Excess exclusive clips. They're giving me a REASON to watch the show? WHOA!

Ego ego ego. He has an ego! He's Chris Jericho!

Tim Robbins wants Jericho to go defend his title or something and get off the ice. Cuba Gooding Jr. expects Chris Jericho to snap and attack the referee. After tonight, we'll see the living legend isn't Gordie Howe - but Chris Jericho. Gary Betteman says stuff, but I have a tendency to tune him out. During the game, Jericho takes out Dino Cicirelli(!). During the second period he knocks over the opposing team's net and fights with Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Chad Smith won the fight - but Jericho threatened to score 4 goals on him. Jericho did come back and score in the third period, then rode on his stick for awhile. It was a fun game and a great time. He'll play every year they ask him to.

Terri can't figure out how they skate and hold their sticks and hit the puck. Did screwing a Rhodes for so many years make her completely retarded? Whatever joke she was going for did NOT come across.

Let's go back to RAW. (Okay!) Stephanie says in one week her and Hunter should renew their wedding vows. She waited to make the announcement in Las Vegas because it's where they got married in the first place. That is the stupidest idea he's ever heard. Me too. Before she has a chance to retort, I think I'll hit the fast forward button. Like any of this mattered a week later.

On Smackdown! Kurt Angle made fun of HHH's potential baby. This segment was long and lame, which pains me to say because I really like Kurt.

You cannot make fun of someone's family says Terri. But you CAN make fun of people's baby photos. She has incriminating photos of Coach apparently.

On RAW, we found out who Goldust was talking about in his strange cryptic promos. Rob Van Dam is a fast rising star, so Goldust tried to knock him down by challenging him to No Way Out. His dreams will be shattered.

Coach wants to know if Terri ever figured out Goldust. She's never figured him out and he's a bizarre man. Coach bites. (Literally and figuratively)

Excess is brought to you by Slim Jim. Snap in to it.

All night long Terri's been waiting, and here he is. Val Venis!

I note they didn't even make him a new Titantron video.

Val's hangin' and bangin' as usual. He and Terri have lots of great memories, but he'll keep them that way. He had hip problems, and went down to HWA to recover. Upon returning, it was on!

Yo Val,
What were you thinking messing with the Rattlesnake a few weeks ago? Didn't you know you were going to get pummelled?
Mark
West Virginia

Did he know he was going to get pummelled? No! It was a cheap shot! Steve Austin stuck his nose into his match. He grabbed the mic and called Austin back to the ring. He looked him in the eyes, and said if he ever had a problem with Austin he would just whoop his ass. Austin swiped the microphone away, and nailed him.

Val,
Since you're so smooth with the ladies, I was wondering if you have any ideas for Valentine's Day. I need some suggestions… can you help?
Luke
San Diego, CA

If Luke is asking that question, he'll never have any idea no matter what he suggests. If Val was doing it, he'd take a dozen roses, place them in a heart shape on Terri's bed with a box of chocolates in the middle. Under the box would be Val. HAHAHA! He said *snicker* that he'd *chuckle* be under THE BOX! HAHAHAHA! I bet he has a MILLION OF THEM!

Coach is happy to see Val on the show because it's great to have a guest who's a ladies man like him. Coach thinks it's the woman's privilege to be with Val. Who was the privileged one when Terri and Val were HAVING SEX? Terri says she felt pretty privileged.

Up next, Stacy and Torrie went head to head against Chuck and Billy in a pose down. The robes come off, NEXT!

On RAW, Jazz wins the Women's Title. Fans of T&A around the world groan.

Terri can't believe some guys in the WWF think they have better bodies than the women of the WWF. Val stares at Terri's breasts and says they're in the best shape of their lives. They're big, firm, voluptuous…and Coach cuts him off.

So here's that posedown match all the 14 year old boys were spanking about.

When we return, Coach has switched places with Terri and stands close to Val. It's great to be the King, but the women are the lucky ones says Val. Stacy and Torrie were lucky to be near Lawler. And on that track, Terri is the lucky one to be near Coach. Terri gags.

Coach wonders if Val Venis has ever had a dry spell. Well, he could say yes, but the answer is no. Val's gonna stick around for another segment.

UP NEXT: The lovely Elizabeth overshadows the Warrior/Savage match, according to Mr. Voice Over. Well, if that's what he believes, he's been drinking Stephanie's Kool Aid when it comes to booking.

5 weeks to Wrestlemania!

What does Wrestlemania mean to Val Venis? Val was born and raised in Toronto, so it's a great feeling that they'll be there. They have the best clubs, the hottest women. Val and Coach are gonna go bird hunting Wrestlemania weekend.

From now until Wrestlemania, all of the From The Vault segments are going to be Wrestlemania matches. (REMEMBER THIS FOR NEXT WEEK'S EXCESS…)

Dear Coach & Terri,
I would love to see the career match between Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior from Wrestlemania 7. These two really went after each other and this will always be a Wrestlemania classic.
Rich Rinaldi
Boca Raton, FL

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. RANDY SAVAGE (with Sherri Martell) (in a Retirement Match)

Does Savage have the Wrestlemania golden touch or what? He's managed to get good matches out of both Warrior and Hogan, no small feat!

Can't say I remember how this one was setup, but this was really supposed to stick. Savage connects with 5 consecutive Big Elbow's, and Warrior still manages to kick out. Press Slam and Big Splash aren't enough to take out Savage. Warrior calls to the spirits because he can't believe that didn't do it. They keep going, and a number of shoulderblocks is enough to get rid of Savage. Sherri freaks OUT and beats the piss out of Savage, which leads Elizabeth to run in from the crowd to save her man. They re-unite, and go on to get married at SummerSlam 1991. Fans cry.

Strangely enough, by Wrestlemania 8, Savage was fighting for the World Title and it was Warrior who made his triumphant return after being away for ages.

I'm willing to bet we get the same finish at Wrestlemania THIS year with Steph and HHH. When that happens, I'll be prone to crying as well.

Back to Val Venis. He can't wait to be part of Wrestlemania in the town he was raised in. It's an experience that can never be replaced with anything.

Terri and Val have sexual energy flowing between them, which must mean it's time for him to leave.

Terri feels REALLY good after having Val on the show.

On Smackdown! Maven challenged The Undertaker to a Hardcore Title match…and won! THIS was an awesome segment.

Terri sings a song from Pink when we return to the set. Coach insults her. She says if he doesn't give her an awesome Valentine's Day present, she's got pictures.

Later on Smackdown! The Undertaker gave Rocky a bitchin' tombstone on top of a car! This is a must see!

Terri reminds us that you shouldn't call your father in law an asshole, and says she's done that before. Oh man - now THAT'S funny! In retaliation, Vince booked HHH in a handicap match with Jericho and Kurt Angle. Let's go remember that.

HHH beats the hell out of Jericho and Angle, before losing on a fluke. Stephanie runs out after the match, and gets shoved on her ass. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABY? (She was pregnant?) Good lord angles look stupid if you remember them.

Coach has a special Valentine's Day present for Terri. Coach replays The Rock singing on RAW. She says that's not a gift!

Coming up this week: On Sunday Night Heat, Kurt Angle hosts from New York. Kane takes on Christian as well. HHH and Stephanie renew their vows on RAW. Coach has an idea for a gift as well, and it'll be on the show next week. Thanks to Val Venis. No Way Out is 8 days away. She has pictures.

Dear Vince McMahon,
Cancel this wretched show!
Chris
Hull, QC