I have my grilled cheese with a meat some people may call Canadian bacon, but I call ham 'cause it ISN'T bacon no matter how you slice it - and my bottle of Coke. Tape is in, must be time for WWF Excess.

Well, actually Excess can wait. The Man Show is on the Comedy Network right now - I'll get to the recap shortly.

For those of you who haven't had the privilege of watching The Man Show - it's basically this: A bunch of guys doing guy things such as drinking beer, making noise, and looking at half naked girls. It's truly a thing of beauty.

It's a celebrating by the Angle family! Kurt Angle is the NEW WWF champion.

Why HELLO. The Coach and Trish Stratus are nice enough to welcome me to WWF Excess. All is right with the world - Kurt Angle is the WWF champion. Unlike that champion a year ago, what an arse he was. What was his name again? Kurt something. Anyway, later tonight, Kanyon and Perry Saturn will be on the show.

Backstage a man is mopping the floor. Saturn wants to know if this is how he treats his friends. What's he going to do when all his friends are gone - won't he feel bad?

Give Excess a call at 1-800-LIVEWWF or drop them an e-mail - the address for those keeping score at home is WWFExcess@WWF.com.

Let's get right to it! The Brothers Of Destruction were the tag-team champions. But on Smackdown! they foolishly defended those titles. Booker T and Test CHEAT TO WIN and are the NEW WWF tag-team champions. Here's a look at the whole thing. CRZ will do play by play for this match in his Smackdown! recap so I don't have do. Booker T, Test, and Shane McMahon all leave in a limo.

Now that that's out of the way, let's do a bunch of close ups of Trish's breasts. A reminder, Kanyon will indeed be here. And before heading to commercial break, here's a look at Kanyon writing a love letter to Lita. Who betta than Kanyon?

Commercial break.

Remember to Smackdown! Your Vote. The federal election was last fall - but the next one will take place in three years so register now. Oh yeah, and I guess there's a bunch of municipal affairs as well. Like anyone votes for that anyway - we all know it's rigged. There's no way Sideshow Bob could have racked up 100% of the votes the way he did.

Let's take a look at RAW from this past week. Kanyon came on to Lita. Speaking of Kanyon, here he is now. He's wearing a New York jersey, despite being from Jersey. He feels something's going on.

Coach wants to know what led Kanyon to feel this way. Kanyon has physical proof. He has a love letter from Lita to him. Isn't that the letter he was writing before the break? "Lita's" letter asks Kanyon not to share it with Matt. She wants one chance to see the Grand Kanyon. Those Punk Kids might be Team Xtreme but he alone is more Team Xtreme than they could EVER be. When it comes to being her true love - no one is better than Kanyon. P.S. Tell Coach to leave her alone.

Coach knows this isn't a real letter. Well, won't he feel like an ass if it is! Here's a clip from Smackdown! when Kanyon was in a tag-team match that also included Hardys. Kanyon got pinned by Matt. Are you telling me we don't even push the guests before an appearance on Excess? What is the world coming to?

Kanyon explains what happened there, and it's quite the explination. Too long winded to get into - but he swears he had nothing but best intentions. I swear, Dean Malenko is sitting at home stewing right now.

Here's an e-mail from Shirley who believes Kanyon is a stud. Does he have a girlfriend? Kanyon thinks it's from Lita - and says Shirley Bell is a cover up name.

Rob Hammer wants to know if Lita will dump Matt for her. Kanyon thinks it may have already happened. Coach knows Trish has a thing for him - Stacy and Torrie do too - but does Kanyon actually think Lita's interested?

TIME FOR A RANT!

Okay - so let me get this straight. We have Kanyon's character believing Lita's infatuated with him. She wants him, she needs him, etc. We all think he's a big goof and laugh at him - that's the angle. Gotcha. Then we turn around, and here's Coach on Excess pulling the SAME SHIT and he's supposed to be the host of the show - the voice of reason. Coach's attitude is so amateur it's ridiculous. I never thought I'd be able to say that Trish's slutty character overshadows Coach's on the mature level but this is ridiculous. Vince or JR need to sit down with this guy and tell him to knock off the college radio style bullshit ASAP or Michael Cole is taking place.

That felt good.

We have time for a phone call. Kitty from Philly wants to talk to Kanyon. WWF rocks! Kanyon, who betta than Lita? Nobody. Matt does the Twist Of Fate - and here's Kanyon's Twist Of Fate. He gyrates his body. Man, why is he WASTING that on this show - save that for RAW. That was great!

Later on, Shawn Michaels takes on Mick Foley from Mind Games 1996. Ahh yes, one of the matches that truly set forth the WWF Attitude era. I have that tape lying around here (thank you Brooks) so rather than review the clipped version later I'll give you a brief summary and do a proper review in the near future. Deal? Good.

Commercial break.

We're back and there's no way we're going to replay the gyrating. Instead, let's take a look at Kurt Angle winning the World Title - and watch Stone Cold NOT show up for TV. I hope they fined him!

Kanyon has a message for Earl Hebner. Hebner is no Nick Patrick. Hebner has screwed another one of the boys. He has to give the belt back.

Damian Garcia via e-mail doesn't like the Alliance. I don't like Damian Garcia.

"Dear Kanyon,

I don't particularly like the Alliance, but you are truly a remarkable wrestler. My friends think you are just a cocky loser who won a belt by mistake. My question for you is: Do you like the way Stone Cold Steve Austin bosses you and the Alliance around? And if not, what do you and the "Alliance" plan to do about this?"

Well Damian, I really hate to break it to you - but he didn't win the belt by mistake - he was HANDED the belt. Of course, one could argue since he beat Booker T at Bash At The Beach 2000 he deserved the belt. I think I will argue that.

Kanyon sees that RVD is taking over as a leader - and it's really great to have a leader.

Coach says that Kanyon's a New York guy. Coach didn't do his homework. In a few weeks Kanyon will be in WWF New York. October 14th is the date, don't miss it!

Trish rummages through her papers. She wants to know how much he's changed since the InVasion. He has a new girlfriend. In the old WCW he had ONE title match in 6 years. Already in WCW he had a US Title match, and a WWF tag-team championship match. Oh sorry, those are titles he WON. Well, if memory serves, weren't the Triad 2 time tag-team champions? I'm pretty sure they lost the titles to Benoit and Saturn on a Thunder going into ummm, I'll take a guess and say Great American Bash 1999 and promptly regained them at the show. Trish wants to remember how he got the US title again. Kanyon says there was no competition - and he would have run through them anyway.

Coach remembers on RAW Kanyon went to see RVD. Kanyon and the Alliance need a leader. Austin's collecting his thoughts so who better than RVD? We have to take a break and Kanyon's leaving. Before he leaves one more hip swivel for the road. Hahahah!

Commercial break.

On this past Thursday, Tough Enough finished up. Now the winners are WWF Superstars. Wow, even the Alliance aren't Superstars! Here's a look back at the season finale.

Vince McMahon showed up to watch these kids. He had a meeting with each of them. He asked Josh to puke in a garbage can and offered him coffee. Oops, sorry, I saw Vince looking comfortable in his office, that was all I could think about. Vince asked them the tough questions. One girl looked really hot - I'm not sure which one she is. I guess I'll know when they announce winners. Vince shakes all their hands. Now it's time to leave the house. It's hard to leave. Tears all around. Al Snow is proud of all of them. Snow wants them all to stand up and take those chairs home - they earned them. Vader's twin brother is also proud of them. Here's JR to announce winners. The winner is Nidia. Okay, Taylor was the hot one. Damn. Nidia gives the Lou Gehrig speech. The other girl says the WWF doesn't want her. Well, isn't SHE a sore loser! The male winner is Maven. This one's for mom. Josh is proud of Maven - and we haven't seen the last of Chris.

Trish remembers getting her contract. It was so emotional.

Tough Enough 2 is being casted now. Anyone can send in a tape, unless you're from one of those foreign countries like Canada.

Commercial break.

God I hate Lil' Bow Wow.

Last Sunday Christian won the Intercontinental Title. They have issues stemming from way back. WAY back. Like 3 weeks ago in Toronto. Edge's eye was swollen shut. It was certainly a nasty shot on the PPV, that's for sure. Great job to Edge for sucking it up and going another 10 minutes.

Edge on Smackdown! used the Brooklyn Brawler for information about Christian. Chrisitian needed protection from Bradshaw. Maybe a drug store would be better to check out? Bradshaw's all pissed off about the way Christian treated Edge. I still don't understand why Bradshaw suddenly is such a caring individual. Isn't he like king of the tweeners - he'll turn for anyone? Anyway, Bradshaw beat the piss out of Christian and Christian ran out of the arena to retain his title. But not before Edge kicked the crap out of him.

Jennifer Holiday sang God Bless America at the PPV. I know some people probably feel re-showing it is exploitation but watch all the shows regularly and you tell me how many clips are run in repeats 'til we're sick of them. This is just the WWF killing time.

Commercial break.

Stephanie thought that RVD pinning Jericho at Unforgiven was so wonderful they'd do it again on Smackdown! Here's clips. Oh lord, Steph's on commentary, FAST FORWARD. Tommy Dreamer gets TV time carrying her out when she was knocked out.

Trish likes seeing Steph being knocked out cold. Here's more clips of the Alliance tending to Stephanie. Back to the fast forward! Stephanie will have comments on RAW apparently.

Here's DDP's promo from Smackdown! Here's a suggestion - turn DDP into Richard Simmons without the weightloss program. (I DON'T mean that, I mean enthusiasm level) If he was MORE enthusiastic and alive I think this could work wonders for Page.

Commercial break.

Welcome back. Saturn will be on a little later - but first here's a look at Rocky and Kurt Angle teaming together. They really reminded me of the Rock and Sock Connection, right down to Kurt giving Rocky a copy of his book. The highlight of this was watching Rocky's face drop when Kurt mentions Rocky loves strudel. Actually his facial expressions make this whole segment - he face brightening and almost saying "did you say that?" when Kurt talks about jugs of milk.

Trish reminds us that Rocky doesn't go through tables on his own show Smackdown! without paying them back. So Dudleys, watch out on RAW.

Commercial break.

It's time for From The Vault. We have an e-mail from Jayson who wants to see Foley's favorite match - Michaels and Foley from Mind Games in September 1996.

MANKIND vs. SHAWN MICHAELS (for the WWF World Heavyweight Title)

I don't remember who's on commentary but it SOUNDS like Hennig with Vince and JR. I can't be sure though. Anyway, basically what goes down is Mankind is being billed as a tough SOB who you cannot keep down - and the Undertaker feud is definite proof of that. Anyway, this is probably one of the earliest and best done hardcore matches in the sense that they didn't bring useless plunder to the ring - they USED what they could. Foley was driven onto the concrete floor, was jumped on, slammed into the steel steps, and pretty much took a crazy beating. Vader made a run in to cause a DQ, mostly because nobody really knew what they finish to this match was going to be. Sid Vicious followed up by attacking Vader which set up a #1 contenders match the following month, and Sid wound up winning the WWF Title at Survivor Series. At the time Sid was a friend of Shawn so that's why he chased Vader off. Then they open up a casket sitting at ringside and Taker hops out to destroy Mankind. Paul Bearer and Mankind make a run towards the back. The crowd is just eating this one up it's insane. Find a copy of this show just for this match if you can - because it's SO worth the cost.

A reminder, e-mail the show if you want to see a classic match. Apparently my request to see Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker from Wrestlemania IX goes ignored again this week. Oh well, there's always next.

Commercial break.

Saturn's had a traumatic few weeks since Moppy was put through the wood chipper. Here's a look back at what he's gone through since she disappeared.

Saturn joins the show and shakes hands all around. He looks pretty glum. Let's go straight to the phones.

Jennifer from Missouri tells Saturn she's sorry about Moppy. How does he feel about Terri being with Raven. He says the following: "Doorknob, Terri, everyone gets a turn." Cute.

Daniel from Texas asks how he felt when he debuted with the Radicals? He mumbles something about Dean, Eddie, Moppy, Chris and groans a lot.

Gerren via e-mail wants to know why he'd choose Moppy over Terri. You need to ask? You're less likely to get a disease! Well, I'll let Saturn handle it. Saturn doesn't want to get into anymore, no more questions. He's fulfilled his obligation, that's it.

Trish wants to sing a song from Little Orphan Annie. She sings Tomorrow. She's about as tone deaf as I am - in the sense she KNOWS what the notes are but can't hit them. She also has a present for Saturn. It's a mop that looks like Trish. He kisses Trish, then TrishMoppy. Perry feels better. Is he going to start carrying this around? Now both Trish and Saturn sing Tomorrow. Saturn dances with the mop and keeps singing. You're Welcome. He's gone. Well that was kind of pointless.

Saturn and Raven do battle again on Sunday Night Heat. If it's like their match from Fall Brawl 98, then tune in. If it's like their match at Unforgiven, skip it.

Commercial break.

Coach has no idea what happened last segment. Neither do I. On another note, here's a special look at Undertaker: This Is My Yard and his collection of motorcycles. That's pretty much ALL it is.

Coach promises we have a lot more left on the show. It looks to me like there's about 3 minutes left - but I'll take his word for it. We'll be right back.

Commercial break.

Last Monday night on RAW, Stacy and Torrie had issues over Tajiri. They're not friends anymore. Tomorrow night on Sunday Night Heat, Tazz takes on Tajiri with a chick in each corner. Plus on Excess Debra's the special guest (SET YOUR VCR NOW!) next week, and RAW is Monday. Where's all this a lot more in the show I was promised?

Well, I'll give them some credit. The show rolled A LOT smoother than regularly, and I'm thinking they're spending more time going over segments and know exactly how long each will run and what will be said which is great. Coach is still a moron, but I'm hoping with practice he'll master his craft. They showed a good 10 minutes of the Mind Games match which is also a step up. I'd prefer the whole thing - but it's better than it was when we got all of 2 minutes of Hogan vs. Warrior. The Saturn segment I could have done without - but I suppose it was either that or more clips. They really could have spent more time with Kanyon and maybe talked about his career and have him go over high and low points with him - to keep it interesting rather than focus simply on Lita. It may have given fans who didn't watch WCW a little more to work with.

Until next week…