DISCLAIMER: I expect everyone reading this already knows what’s happened on RAW. If you don’t – read CRZ’s recap first. This is NOT a recap and I will skip over match details, and occasionally forget to mention winners and losers. This is a fan’s reaction to what I saw.

NOTES TO YOU

- I am sick, and getting sicker by the moment. I’m not seeing things coherently and apparently make little to no sense today. I fear we’re in for a really dopey edition of Bits And Bites. We’ll see.

- The reason Excess was not recapped on Saturday was because I was told it was going to be a re-airing of Smackdown! If the WWF expects their shows to get coverage, they shouldn’t lie. Now I realize it was because UPN didn’t want TNN airing the show, but they should have thought of that before they told us differently. According to The Cubs Fan whom I e-mailed about it, all I missed was some Stooge and Mean Street Posse hilarity. Which is a real shame since I like the Posse and all – but I’ll find a way to survive.

I TOO GET LETTERS

I asked Excess readers to remind me of other matches Hogan jobbed cleanly in, aside from Wrestlemania VI since I couldn’t for the life of me remember. Luckily alert reader Eddie Hawn has a good memory.

“The best I can tell, the only clean job he did in the WWF was, of course, against The Ultimate Warrior. Another one is Starrcade 1996 against "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, I believe that one was completely clean, I could be wrong. Lex Luger made Hogan submit to the Torture Rack in August of '97 to win the WCW World Title from him... this despite attempted interference by The Outsiders and Randy Savage. Another one was when Giant beat Hogan on 1/19/98 despite repeated interference by the nWo. But as far as I can remember, no nWo members inadvertently hit Hogan. Oh! I forgot the most obvious one. Hogan lost the World Title to Goldberg on a Nitro in '98. If you define "clean" as a situation in which the wrestler who eventually loses is not attacked in any way, shape or form by someone not involved in the match, then I suppose this one counts, too. Other than that, can't think of anything else. Tough question, after all. Goes to show ya how much Hogan sucks. LOL...”

Yes, Starrcade 96 is certainly as clean a loss as one will find. Goldberg’s counts as well. Maybe there was a Sunday Night Main Event on which Hogan lost cleanly? (Keep dreaming) Will do!

Alert reader J had the following brainfart:

“HEY! Love the column. I just checked out the free galleries on the wrestlingvixxxens.com web site. Ever been there? Awful, awful stuff. Good christ, who would buy a membership to see aged crack whores?”

Well, I wouldn’t BUY a membership when you can find them online for free. If you really need the address of the website, you can e-mail me.

And of course, what edition of the Bits And Bites would be complete without words from alert reader Greg Pizzo:

“With all tragedy this week, I haven't felt much like reading about the wrestling scene. Anyway, thanks for putting the segment titles back. They absolutely ruled! It was quite obvious that you spent more time coming up with the titles than you did for the rest of the piece! Tequiloca? What the hell is that? What? WHAT? Ivory is tons better than Lita. Whatever you're talking about. Strudel? That's the best they could come up with? Well, I should be watching on Monday and I will await some bits and many some bytes to go with it.”

Well Greg, I’ll let you in on the secret of Tequiloca. It’s, and I’m quoting here, “Tequila And Crazy Fruits Flavored”. Yup. Must be from Quebec with a translation like that.

I’m out of blank tapes tonight, and the power has been iffy. Let’s pray I get to see the whole show and won’t have to deal with the replay cause I’m just about ready to pop some Tylenol 3 and call it a week.

THE LIGHTS ARE OUT

JR reminds us to get on with our lives again. It would be easier if JR stopped telling us to get on with it. We are live in Nashville, Tennessee and WWF New York is PACKED?!? That’s a little…surprising. Tonight, Test and Stephanie get The Rock again. Why? Didn’t Rocky beat them last time? I smell Sportz Entertainment. Also, RVD and Steve Austin take on Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle. Gee I WONDER who RVD’s opponent for Unforgiven is.

The Brothers Of Destruction hit the ring! Hey, Kane’s back. I probably wouldn’t have noticed he was gone to be honest had no one made a big stinky fuss about it. They’re taking on #1 contenders The Dudley Boyz. This is apparently only a WWF Tag-Team Title match. I’m not sure whether or not the titles are unified yet. How can Kronik work themselves into this match without being Just Another Run In? Taker goes Old School and Buh Buh Ray sells it like a champ! Taker sells moves from Buh Buh, but I’ll pretend that didn’t happen so I can say he didn’t. Is it just me or are the Dudleys hearing some cheers tonight? I hope to hell it’s just me. Buh Buh gets a table telling me D-Von finally told him to do it himself. Fans want tables. I also note the fans aren’t responding to Taker well tonight. Hey, I may be biased, but I DO listen. Here’s Kronik putting Kane through the table and causing a tag-team title change. A very anti-climatic and POINTLESS title change. But a change nonetheless.

Now I’ll admit to being a fan of wrestling – and current wrestling at that. I don’t like to nitpick about every little detail. But I do not like this thing about not giving tag-team champions a serious run with the titles EVER. The last team to run with the ball were Edge and Christian who held the titles for all of 2 weeks between Wrestlemania 2000 and Unforgiven 2000. They were unstoppable. Why is it NO team can hold the titles beyond a month and a half anymore. I expect about 10 tag-team title changes a year these days – but I do not expect them at regularly timed intervals. For the love of god, pick a team and run with them.

SHANE MCMAHON IS HERE

Shane’s greeted by Kronik and Steven Richards with the announcement the Dudleys are champions. Shane books a match between Kronik and The Brothers Of Destruction. I thought Regal had that power?

Lance Storm is looking at porn (or RAW magazine) when walked in on by Hurricane Helms. Shane needs a sidekick, so Lance suggests Ivory. He doesn’t like someone who’s 99.4% pure – he needs 100% purity. He has an idea. PLEASE be Shannon Moore complete with 3 Count gear who’s willing to slap some sense into this gimmick. (Yep, I still hate it and I’m still a WCW mark.)

Austin explains himself to Rob Van Dam. He had a darn good reason to throw him off the stage. To help him get his title back. RVD offers his services to lead the Alliance if Austin goes on vacation or something. Austin wants to know who’s been going to RVD for advice? RVD won’t say and gets thrown out of the locker room.

SQUEAL!

Here comes one half of Those Punk Kids with Lita by his side. I’m to assume he’s facing Shane Helms cause his brother has issues with him? No, it’s Lance Storm instead. I can live with this. Jeff goes flippity flip and Storm seems to be working pretty well with it. Lita makes fish faces outside the ring. Lita cheats on Jeff’s behalf, but THE ALLIANCE ARE A BUNCH OF CHEATING EVIL DOERS. Storm makes my day by lifting his knees into Jeff’s back during a Swanton and then locks on the Canadian Maple Leaf.

Shane wants to know what Stephanie was thinking last Monday booking herself in a match. Shane’s been online hasn’t he? He wants to know even more why she’s doing it again. ‘Cause. Shane books Tazz in a match because Tazz is (sexually) frustrated. Again, isn’t this Regal’s job? My guess is Kanyon or The Big Show in terms of opponents. (Yes, I KNOW I pick the Big Show almost every time but only because he’s the biggest guy in the company and his role is generally to scare the crap out of people.)

MY POWER IS OUT

Oh boy, this’ll be good… I bet I’ve just missed The Outsiders re-uniting live on the show and Jerry Lawler beating the piss out of Heyman for DARING to set foot in his home state. It’s 9:33 when the power went out. Thank god for laptops.

I’M BACK WITH POWER

9:54. I missed 20 minutes of the show. A quick look at the Torch suggests I missed Norman Smiley running Pepe through the wood chipper. I think I’ll live.

I hate digital TV. When the power’s out it takes FOREVER to get it back to figuring out where the position of the channels are.

Okay, Booker T and Shane McMahon are beating the hell out of Tazz. McMahons in handicap matches all around tonight! I guess this is a warmup for Unforgiven for the boys. Tazz makes a comeback and suplexes the boys all over the ring, before getting the Tazzmission on Shane. Now here’s one for Booker. Booker again bursts out the standing Harlem Hangover! Then Shane finishes with the elbow. Looked decent from what I saw.

CHRISTIAN'S WEARING AN UNFORGIVEN SHIRT

Christian is thrilled people are here to watch his entrance. That and Edge’s IC Title is going to be his. However, tonight, he wants another title – the US Title.

You know, Christian, if you REALLY want a title, go after this fool – Hurricane Helms. I AM a little curious as to who his partner is. Here comes Spike Dudley, is HE the sidekick? I’m really dopey and I think them say who his partner is but maybe not? I’m too lazy to go check online. Hurricane goes flying and Molly interferes. Molly winds up drop kicking Spike in the face. Oops. Hurricane retains.

MY SINUSES ARE BLOCKED AND MY HEAD HURTS AND I WANT TO GO TO BED AND I’M ONLY WRITING THIS FOR YOU SO YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS REALLY LONG SEGMENT TITLE

Okay, during the break I went online and it said Molly’s Miss Purity? Well why was she interfering AGAINST Hurricane if she’s the sidekick? This makes NO sense.

Shane lets Torrie know when it’s time to pull the plug on Tajiri he’ll let her know. Torrie seems uneasy but agrees. Let’s hope Tajiri wasn’t WATCHING TV.

Rob Van Dam was just listening to Kurt Angle conduct an interview. Kurt’s annoyed at the fact RVD has caught on. Kurt says the fans WILL be chanting USA tonight and at the PPV. They’re crossing that thin line of heel and face with Kurt and I kinda like it but I’m worried his character won’t hold out as a babyface for much longer. I guess it depends on his opponent – so keep RVD away from him. (That’s a compliment for RVD, don’t read anything else into it please.)

LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK IS THE SAME AS LAST WEEK

I bet this segues into Tajiri vs. Christian. Hey, imagine that – flow. I’m starting to get used to this whole RAW thing. I’m used to Nitro where nothing was in order and wackiness always ensued. Tajiri mists Robinson, and I’m assuming this’ll be a DQ? Well Christian chairs Tajiri and it seems to be continuing – oops – there’s the bell. Edge returns and all is right with the world.

DURING THE BREAK, GORE ARRIVED

Looks like we’re headed to Rhyno vs. Tajiri at the PPV. Shane confirms it.

My Time fires up – which means it must be time for Stephanie and Test vs. The Rock. Her hair isn’t frizzy – so she’s a face tonight? Rocky goes straight to the business of kicking the crap out of Test. Stephanie takes a tumble! Test takes over. I thought Stephanie was actually gonna “wrestle” tonight. Test hits the pumphandle, but it’s not enough! Stephanie screams in Rocky’s face. Now she wants a tag but Test won’t do it. Test goes for the Big Boot – countered by Rock Bottom but Nick Patrick’s busy with Stephanie. Nick Patrick eats a Rock Bottom. Rocky wants Steph to just bring it, so she runs but gets caught. Here’s Shane to help, and Booker T too! Test has enough to level Rocky and then hit the Big Boot. Booker T gets the axekick! Shane with his second Big Elbow of the night. Now Shane does the White Guy Spinaroonie. Book End for Rocky! Ummm, I haven’t heard a bell – is this still a match? Stephanie covers, here’s a 3 count. For the love of god, BOTH McMahons go over in one night?

MAIN EVENT

RVD goes to get Austin, but the door is locked. Leave him alone – I doubt he gets a lot of alone time with his wife.

Something I think that would be really cool for Jericho’s entrance would be if they cut directly from the picture of him standing to him standing in the entrance. I don’t like the way the camera simply pans down. Speaking of entrances, someone mentioned on the EZBoard how patriotic Living In America by James Brown in Rocky IV was. I think it would work for Angle at Unforgiven if he came out to a HUGE entrance like Apollo Creed did.

So we’re off, and it looks like Austin and Jericho are the first 2 legal guys. Angle busts out a nice looking running Spinebuster. Austin was going to piledrive Jericho near the announce table. Someone should piledrive HIM and see how much HE likes it. I’ve never understood why the boys don’t at least FAKE more piledriver attempts with Austin. Angle hits a very dangerous looking belly to belly on RVD. Anglelock on Austin! He doesn’t tap – even though the ref is out, and Van Dam saves him. RVD taps out of the Liontamer though. Austin – ringbell – Jericho. He goes to hit Angle as well but Earl’s on guard! Angle with a rollup – OH I thought that was it! Olympic Slam! Goodnight! Austin hangs onto his belt for dear life. And we’re out.