I TOO GET LETTERS

One alert reader responded to my column about getting Kane over with the fans, though out of respect for the nature of the letter, I'll leave his name unpublished. "OK man, I'm holding nothing back here, that column brought a tear to my eye. The exact same situation has happened to me before, and it still hurts now. Although I really like the girl who is the 'Molly' character, I still really love the girl who is the 'Trish' character. Anyway, great column, and all."

THAT, my friends, is the very reaction I wanted to get out of you. I wanted his character to hit home and be something that the AVERAGE fan could identify with. I often think that Vince believes such simplicity would insult our intelligence. Anyway, one more letter before show time.

What would a Bits And Bites be without the input of alert reader Greg Pizzo? "Chris - thanks for giving me so much space in your column. It's nice to see others writing in now to offer up feedback for your efforts. I hope more folks continue to do so, as CRZ has said it only takes a couple minutes to let someone know you're reading and give them some feedback. I checked out your homepage (obviously, since I know you have a #2 and #3 now) and thanks for the Smackdown bittage and biteage. But I really do miss the little subtitles."

You MISS the little subtitles? Sure, I realize it made my column slightly unique as opposed to the other 1000 Monday columns online and all, but THEY WERE A PAIN!

Well, I've been told to give the masses what they want. And it seems 50% of my mail this week demands subtitles, so they get subtitles.

SEGMENT ONE

During the highlight package, I notice how funny RVD sells the Stunner. It's not quite on the level of Kane with the Diamond Cutter - but it's different nonetheless. It's time for the WWF LIVE from SOMEWHERE NOT IN CANADA so everything's back to normal tonight. Actually, it's San Antonio, Texas and my sources tell me that Shawn Michaels will undoubtedly show up. That source? My best friend. So it MUST be true.

Well, here's Steve Austin with the Alliance out to the ring. JR says that at Unforgiven Austin will stroll into Kurt Austin's hometown of Pittsburgh and defend the title. NO that's NOT a typo. But I'm not picking or anything. Austin has words for Rob Van Dam. Austin's not ashamed of himself - rather everyone in the arena. He's ashamed of fans around the world. GREAT CHANT. "Austin sucks!" "What?" "Austin sucks!" "What?" "Austin sucks!" "What?" HAHAHA! Austin wants RVD in the ring. Austin sets him up for "I'm Rob Van Dam" beautifully. If I'm Austin I turn around and beat the crap out of his cocky ass. Austin doesn't like him. RVD doesn't like him. They don't like each other. I'm glad that's settled. Now we can go about our business. No we can't, Austin needs to give RVD a hug. I'll be honest - I kinda saw it coming. But I don't care, that ruled! Austin likes the fact RVD doesn't like him and wants him to challenge Kurt Angle to a match. RVD agrees and the fans are NOT happy. TAKE THAT FANS! It sets up the double turn at Unforgiven up nicely. (What double turn?) Nevermind. Clearly YOU'RE not a smark! Test is confident tonight and wants a piece of The Rock in a handicap match. More accurately - he wants to kick The Rock's ass. Nothing good has ever come out of the state of Texas. Umm, AUSTIN'S from Texas knob! Oh, Austin acknowledges that and blows it off. Kanyon's feeling so confident thanks to Austin's leadership that he's offering an open challenge tonight for the US Title. Now it's Tazz's turn. I bet he volunteers to get his ass kicked. Tazz suggests that at Unforgiven Kurt Angle might kick Austin's ass and take his title. Yup, I called it. Stunner for Tazz! And a huge beatdown ensues! This segment only leaves one question - WHO will answer Kanyon's challenge? I'll bet on The Big Show myself. He's a very open challenge answering type.

Tonight, The Undertaker takes on Booker T. Hey, that could be good!

Gotta love that Unforgiven promo that declares Austin a FOUR TIME WWF champion. Let's see - Shawn Michaels, Kane, The Rock, Undertaker, and The Rock…. I count five. But of course, I don't work for the WWF's promo writing team - maybe there's one they want us to forget for some reason.

SEGMENT TWO

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT?!? This is an entrance? I'm not sure what exactly they're attempting to get across with this entrance, but I don't think it's working. Christian's taking on Billy Gunn tonight. The SAME Billy Gunn that Christian's brother Edge took out the night after King Of The Ring. The SAME Billy Gunn that was the Intercontinental Champion less than one year ago. The SAME Billy Gunn who used to tag with Bart Gunn. That Billy Gunn. Christian pins Billy Gunn with his feet on the ropes, which is a technique used by all the greats. Ric Flair, Bret Hart, and X-Pac. Christian gives Billy Gunn a conchairto. I was hoping I'd hear a pop, but my prayers weren't answered tonight.

Test and Stephanie have verbal intercourse. They look at Christian and like him. Test has been on a roll since Stephanie broke up with him and he joined the Alliance. Ummm, Test has been rolling - but not in a good direction. Stephanie wants to make sure The Rock doesn't make it to Unforgiven. Test agrees to do something.

Meanwhile, a bunch of punk kids are walking backstage. They have a match coming up after the break.

THE THIRD SEGMENT

For the record, in order to ensure objectivity in my ranting this evening, I went out and purchased a bunch of Poppers Tequiloca. I'd never heard of it either - I guess it's a Quebec thing? ANYWAY, it tastes like green jello and it's going down real easy, so hopefully by the end of the night I'll be ungodly objective.

Lance Storm thinks Hurricane Helms is a genious. Does Chris like the Hurricane's gimmick THIS week? My Hurricane senses say no.

Later tonight, RVD will indeed take on Kurt Angle.

Here comes those punk kids. Lillian Garcia refers to them as the Hardy Boyz and Lita. On the other side, Ivory, Lance Storm, and Hurricane Helms stand proud. I hope Ivory pins Lita again, just 'cause. Why yes I am more sexually attracted to a 39-year old woman than Lita, thanks for asking. Still, I can't ignore the cheers she gets - so she's doing SOMETHING right. Jeff Hardy gets slapped like a bitch by Ivory. Lance Storm gets knocked off the apron by Jeff, than the idiot flies over the top rope despite the knock being more than enough to keep him down temporarily. Storm tries to superplex Lita which would have ruled but some Hardy ruined that. Matt hits the Twist Of Fate on Ivory, then Lita follows with the Litasault and the good guys go over. THIS time.

A camera wiggles outside The Rock's dressing room. Is The Rock dressing inside? Find out next!

While I see it, I don't know if the States gets the latest WWF PSA on "Don't Try This At Home" but I really like it. The footage of Austin with the broken neck, and Owen Hart's death really puts it over the top in terms of how serious they're trying to stress the point. Kudos to the production team.

FORE

Michael Cole wants to get a word with The Rock. The Rock IS naked and getting dressed. The Rock wants to know if Michael is looking at the People's Strudel, then suggests that Michael go frost his hair while he gets dressed.

The Acolytes are playing cards. Imagine that. Chris Jericho reminds the Acolytes they have a match coming up. Stephanie McMahon doesn't use protection, says Jericho. OH HO HO HO HO! THAT CRAZY JERICHO!

Tajiri's getting some in Regal's office. He's gonna answer Kanyon's challenge for the WCW United States Heavyweight Title. Hey, Konnan once held it, I'm sure it can't be THAT hard to take. Regal calls Torrie a charming wench. He's just bitter and/or horny.

The Rock is back for his interview. The Rock wants Michael to keep eye contact. Who will The Rock choose as a tag-team partner for Test? The fans chant Rocky. He can't pick himself! The partner has to be fast, easy, and have no testicles. The Rock picks Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. Rock sings a song for Test and Stephanie. Compared to the brilliant promo he cut on Lillian on Thursday, this one is second rate. Good interview regardless.

THIS IS THE FIFTH SEGMENT

A reminder Tough Enough 2 applications are being taken now. My brother has received recommendations from about 4 or 5 people to do it. Unfortunately, you have to be 18 and be a US citizen. So for all you Canadians out there who have dreams, FORGET IT!

The Dudley Boyz and Rhyno are taking on The Acolytes and Chris Jericho. Well come on, Rhyno took out Rocky on Smackdown!, a win over these guys should be no problem right? D-Von and Faarooq start out. When WILL this black on black violence end? JR reminds us both Undertaker and Booker T are from Texas - and that's coming up shortly. And Bradshaw's from Texas. So's Austin. Man, who from the WWF ISN'T from Texas or Canada? Rhyno misses a Gore and eats a combination Clothesline From Hell / Lionsault platter and gets pinned. The Acolytes congratulate their little buddy.

Test and Stephanie talk. Test says Stephanie has testicles. Uh….huh… Stephanie wants to kick The Rock's ass. Let's hope to god she doesn't.

WAIT FOR IT... WAIT FOR IT... SEGMENT SIX

RVD enters Austin's locker room. Austin thinks RVD's there to chicken out. No, he's there to ask if he should defend the hardcore title against Kurt Angle. Austin thinks he should put the title on the line. Austin thinks RVD could be Steve Austin in 5 or 10 years. He's just fine being RVD thank you. Debra thinks the RVD thing is cute. SIT DOWN! Well, this was an odd segment.

Here comes The Undertaker to get screwed by Kronik and job to Booker T hopefully shutting up the online crowd by putting over not one, but three people in one night. You have your logic, I have mine. If I'm completely wrong, I'll take everything back at the end of the paragraph. Booker should have kicked over Undertaker's kick nonchalantly on the way to the ring. THAT would have been funny as hell. Simply as an afterthought. Here comes Steven Richards - and Booker T gets enough distraction to score the win. HEY! Less interference than I anticipated. Now here's Kronik to beat the piss out of The Undertaker. Steven Richards wants them to give a High Times through the announce table. The boys comply - but only after The Undertaker tries to put up a fight.

SEGMENT 7EVEN

Shane is arguing with Stephanie about the match tonight via cellphone. Stephanie's all in Chyna mode tonight. She's as man as any man.

Tajiri and his walking breasts are here. That must mean it's time for the US Title match with Kanyon. Torrie "accidently" nails Tajiri with the title, and I ONLY use the brackets cause she's still kind of Alliance as far as we know. Tajiri still has enough to kick out. One Green Mist later and we have a NEW WCW United States Heavyweight Champion! Good match!

THE EIGHTH SEGMENT OF TONIGHT'S SHOW

Let's go back in time and see Angle snap and break character.

Austin gives RVD a pep talk. Austin wants RVD to go HARDCORE on Angle's ass. RVD's gonna do what Austin couldn't do at SummerSlam and beat Angle. OUCH!

NUMBER NINE…. NUMBER NINE…. NUMBER NINE…. NUMBER NINE….

Looks like Test is main eventing tonight. Kurt and RVD draw second from the top - in a slot USUALLY given to midcarders. It's the glass ceiling showing it's ugly head ladies and gentlemen. I urge you all to write columns about it screaming injustice. Watch Lillian Garcia bounce at ringside. Meanwhile, a bunch of stuff happens that can loosely be defined as wrestling takes place - but leads to some fairly entertaining sportz entertainment. Angle makes RVD tap out to the Anglelock and Angle is the NEW WWF Hardcore Champion. The fans are NOT happy about that - regardless of the fact RVD is the heel by default tonight. Austin decides to throw both guys off the stage and to the floor just because he's an asshole. The 24/7 rule makes it's once per month appearance and RVD wins the title back right away. Another good match.

SEGMENT 9.5 - THE POINTLESS SEGMENT

JR and Heyman yell a whole lot, leading to JR telling Heyman to kiss his ass.

SEGMENT TEN - THE FINALE

Stephanie and Test are out. Oh boy - THIS makes me want to buy Unforgiven. Stephanie's doing commentary. But I thought she was wrestling? Not that I'm complaining. Stephanie DOES get involved while Rocky is down. How is The Rock going to overcome THIS ONE? Those heels are just so evil. Test breaks out the bear hug - okay that's kinda cool. Rock almost scores a Rock Bottom but Test elbows out. So plan B says it's time to go to the People's Elbow, however Stephanie conveniently steps away from the announce table and breaks it up. Test gets up and levels The Rock to take control again. The crowd is REALLY hot for this match! Stephanie goes for the pin and Rocky kicks out - uh oh…. Test is knocked off the apron, and Stephanie's gonna take a Rock Bottom…NO! Test is a hero! Test goes for the Pumphandle, but Rock shoves him off into Steph, down she goes into the awaiting arms of Booker T, and Rocky meanwhile pins Test. Good strong finish.

Stone Cold talks to Michael Cole. Cole says he may not have an opponent at Unforgiven now. Austin does not take kindly to that so he shoves Michael around and gets all up in his area. That's it.

Hey, another strong show. It didn't have one of those "moments" but not every show needs them. We need more shows like this one! Keep 'em coming WWF!