DAMN THE CABLE COMPANY

Well, last week was the first week in AGES I'd missed a night of Monday Night RAW. The cable company got cute, and decided since the previous owners moved out of this place, they should cut off the service in order to keep THIS owner from getting it for free. Unfortunately, it stayed out until today so I missed SummerSlam as well. Thankfully, the upshot is I now have Smackdown! (or at least am of the impression that I do) so not all was lost. And I may or may not order the replay of SummerSlam tomorrow, but at least the option is there.

The funny thing is, while no one actively missed ME jotting down my thoughts on paper, it didn't matter, because *I* missed doing it! This column is something I've come to look forward to on Monday nights and the cable company had to go and pull their "no free cable" powerplay.

I TOO GET LETTERS

Alert reader Greg Pizzo sent in the following 2 weeks ago: "Once again - nice job on your column. I had to read CRZ's recap first because I shut the damn TV off after 40 minutes or so and nothing happening. The Sara Shrine was the last thing I saw. Personally, I thought the show I saw (the first 40 minutes) stunk. Reading CRZ's recap and your thoughts, I believe shutting off the TV and going to bed was the wise choice! I thought the angle with Apes could have gone somewhere. When they came lumbering out, I was absolutely positive it was going to be Edge & Christian. They would have been able to pull this stunt off. As it was, it was long and drawn out. As for the rest of the show - as I said, I really did turn it off less than half way through. I could not bring myself to stay up and watch it! Keep up the great work!"

GIVE THAT MAN A STANDING....STEVE?

It makes Steve feel good knowing they're here to honor him on Steve Austin appreciation night. Awwww, crap, that USUALLY means a night of Sportz Entertainment. PROVE ME WRONG WWF. He's lead by example since he jumped on board. It's funny you can hear Stephanie over everyone else during the clapping. If she'd shut up and stand there looking hot I'd be a happy camper.

SUMMERSLAM SIMPLY SIZZLED

Cute intro JR. SummerSlam Simply Sizzled. SSS. Is that some kind of subliminal hint Superstar Scott Steiner is making his way to the WWF? I don't think I'm reading too much into that now am I?

LAST NIGHT WCW LADIES LOST

While they were in Heat...err, ON Heat, WCW felt screwed last night because Lita was not scheduled to be in the match. So tonight, we'll have a rematch so WCW keeps their heat. What in god's name is Molly doing here? This isn't OVW. Some of the champs from SummerSlam will be here says JR. Torrie should wear baby blue more regularly. There's one thing that would make this match better. You guessed it. Male wrestlers. Thank god it's mostly Ivory and Jackie. Forget what I said about WCW keeping their heat, I lied.

TEST AND STEPH...ALONE?!?

We're bringing up this history again? Fantastic! THANK YOU! Last night Rhyno didn't beat Chris Jericho. Tonight, Test can take out Jericho. Well sure, he has a concussion and all, he's easy pickings! Why isn't she calling him Andrew anymore?

THE ROCK SAYS....

The Rock conspired with the APA last night to take out Booker. I didn't know Farooq and Rocky got along. Boy, this Invasion has brought former gang rivals together. That show of support makes me feel all warm and squishy inside. Does anyone else keep hoping The Rock's gonna get the city wrong when he does his "FINALLY" bit? Last night, The Rock taught Booker lessons. You can try and act like The Rock but there's only one The Rock. They're not chanting Boo, they're chanting "Booo - ker". Rocky brings out a midget. Ahhh, yes, midgets. Easy laughs. (And thankfully I'm easy) Okay, this segment didn't work out the way I hoped it would - but Heyman sounding irritated is keeping it alive, barely. The Rocky chant that erupts is pretty much as good as "boring". You know, about 2 minutes ago I was LOOKING FORWARD to a midget. Here comes Lance Storm. Heyman says "Thank God" and so do I. Storm declares it a sad day when midgets are acceptable humor. Storm challenges Rock to a match tonight. I can live with this. :-) The Rock doesn't know who he is, but knows his catchphrase. (Which leads me to believe he's a liar) Just bring it. The Rock is being completely outclassed on the microphone here - which is about the first time I've seen that since HHH did it several times during their feud over a year ago. Storm superkicks the midget. JR has a fit. I guarantee had Rocky done it he'd have giggled.

A TWELVE MAN TAG-TEAM CONTEST

This could be good. I like most of the competitors in this match. Is this Tommy Dreamer's first WWF match since the ECW reformation? Dear god, Scotty and O'Haire look like a before and after poster....for steroid. (Before you get on me, I didn't SAY O'Haire was on steroids, I'm saying he looks like Scotty on steroids. We clear? Good!) Spike jumps on Tommy Dreamer's stomach, bringing back images of Kevin Sullivan. Spike continues to bumb like a madman. Let's see, we have TWELVE guys in this match, and it IS RAW meaning we won't get more than 6 minutes, do we really need Spike in peril? (Yes) Okay then. Man, all these finishers hitting really quickly is AWESOME. Show pins Dreamer. Is he getting pushed? That could be a good thing.

SHANE HELMS IS A GREEN LANTERN FAN

I don't get this at all, but I don't read comic books. I also really had to run to the bathroom so I didn't pay close attention.

JERICHO TAKES THE TEST

How could a man who's name is short for Testicle have none? He gets almost no crowd reaction, but he delivered the line VERY poorly! JR says he'd have been better off taking the night off. Izzat a shoot that wasn't meant as one? Jericho grabs Stephanie but Rhyno saves her. I get it - they keep going out to the ring at the same time so he gets a chance to grope her and it doesn't come off as suspicious. Test gets the, cause as usual Jericho gets distracted by ANYTHING ELSE. When is he going to learn?

SHAWN STASIAK WAS INSPIRED

This is GOLD! Friggin' hilarious stuff. I think they've found a gimmick for this guy. I haven't had a chance to see his bumbling about but this is good good stuff.

THERE'S A BUM IN WWF NEW YORK

Oh, sorry, that's Mick Foley. You know, if they're not gonna do anything worthwhile with him, then don't use him at all, because seeing Foley in this role disgusts me quite frankly. He wasn't bad as a commissioner, but now he just seems to be a guy hanging around, you know? Really sad.

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHUP

Lillian Garcia can't get it all out before Rock's in the ring. I know the title's changed hands alot lately, but is asking for one more title change tonight too much to ask? Really, it'll be the last one for awhile! We have an Alliance referee, but I don't recognize this guy so he can't be particularly evil. Rock Bottom, dammit. That was kinda squashlike wasn't it? I guess we're trying to re-establish the WCW Title as a major deal by putting it on the most recognizable face in the company which makes sense. The poor midget can't stay on his feet. This whole midget thing is going to make me groan the next time I see a midget, which isn't fair to me cause I used to love seeing midgets.

CHRISTIAN'S GONNA WIN THE EUROPEAN TITLE

Matt Hardy has done NOTHING with this title since he won it, so I'd bet the farm of Christian here. Of course, I'm 0 for 1 in predictions tonight, and went 1 for 8 on InVasion a month ago. Christian's still a heel, where as Edge is a face. Not that that means anything, I'm just sayin'... Christian tries with his feet on the ropes which works for X-Pac but not for him. Hrmph. I thought the backwards DDT was it! Dammit, I just lost the farm. Luckily for me, I don't HAVE a farm. (I bet it away at InVasion)

HERE'S A LOOK AT ANGLE / AUSTIN

If there's one thing I learned from this segment it's this: JR seems to think it's okay to break ankles during a screwjob. Well, Bret let Vince off light then didn't he?

TONIGHT DDP GOES ONE ON ONE WITH SARAH

DDP is really busting his ass to get his character over. I don't care about the backstage stories or whatever, he's really doing a phenomenal job as a Looney Toon.

TAZZ LOVES AUSTIN

Austin's tough love smartened him up. I'd hope so - considering you use the same tactics on Tough Enough.

BOOKER T WUZ ROBBED

He wants a rematch tonight sucka! People have been laughing at Booker and he wants to know what it's all about. Regal explains the midget. Tajiri and Booker T are gonna hook it up tonight? I swear, I have this crazy love / hate relationship with the WWF and they keep playing with my emotions whenever we start to fight. This is another prime example of it. *sigh* Let's never fight again.

TIME FOR A MATCH

Is DDP and Sarah Undertaker our main event? We've got half an hour left, we MIGHT squeeze in 2 more matches after this one. Or we might be doing a Sportz Entertainment finish. Tonight the Bookerman wants his respect. Charles Robinson is the ref. Tajiri's springboard elbow continues to impress me everytime I see it. This looks to me like another squash. We've had a few of those tonight. Well Booker didn't win, but he certainly looks like a badass not letting Tajiri get a move in.

TIME FOR ANOTHER MATCH

Hey, 2 matches in a row...if you consider this a match. DDP gives her the first shot and she bites. He asks for another and she delivers but he shoves back and Taker's not happy. You know Mr. Undertaker, if you REALLY had issues with this match, you didn't have to let her do this. Dammit, she's gonna win isn't she? DDP is DEAD! Sarah pins him in near record time. I don't even want to justify this with a comment. Didn't we just agree to stop fighting? Bitch!

TIME FOR APPRECIATION

Debra's got her cookies in tact. There hasn't been a man since biblical times who could lead the Alliance but we have one now. Angle kicked out of 3 Stunners last night (COME AGAIN?!?) which makes me want to order the replay. I didn't know that. Hurricane has a gift. Steve Austin is his new hero, forget about the Green Lantern. He has something for Austin. I hope he breaks out a green circle and sings "Can't Get You Out Of My Heart". No, he gives Austin his shirt and is wearing an Austin shirt. Who appreciates him more than Kanyon? Kanyon's choked up. Hah! Stone Cold is bettah than Kanyon. He also has a shirt for Austin. Are they gonna fight when he doesn't wear their shirts? Debra has a gift for Austin. Ahh, so THIS is why it's the main event. Oh, wait... Debra made cookies for Steve. The Alliance has a video package for Austin. I get the feeling something screwy is gonna happen. No, it's a legit package. I keep getting my hopes up they're gonna cut to Ric Flair in the back. Why? Cause it's nice to have a dream... Stephanie paid for that video. I guess she had some left in the bank after the implants. (What, you thought you'd see a report go by without someone mentioning her jugs?) All the Alliance is in the ring. They have a song for Steve Austin and Lillian Garcia is gonna sing it. She has no heart. Stephanie is gonna sing it. Oh dear god. Look we DID THIS ANGLE with Steve and Kurt a couple months ago. For some reason, Raven's attempt cracked me up, I'll give them that. It could have been alot worse than it was. Austin feels loved by these people. The fans chant for KURT! Amazing. When you get the fans chanting for someone, you've done it. Tazz forgot to wear his Alliance shirt. Here comes Kurt. And he's in a dairy truck! If he sprays milk with a hose all over Austin, it'll be the greatest angle parody I've ever seen! No, he's whipping milk cartons for now and no one's charging. HERE'S THE HOSE! Everything I HATED about the WWF from years ago is being turned into a joke and I'm LOVING it! JR: He's pulling out the heavy stuff. It's homonized. This is GREAT!

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we were witness to something special. Kurt is the number one guy in the WWF. Sure, it's lame to base an entire show on the ending, but what the hell. :-) I love it.